Chapter 16.5: North

The wagon had developed a new sound. Tessa had counted seven since leaving Korvethis. There was the squeal from the left wheel, the knock beneath the driver’s bench, the occasional scrape that Perrin insisted was nothing despite the fact that anything scraping against anything else was, by definition, something. Now there was a rhythmic clicking somewhere behind her. 

Click,

Click,

Click.

Tess stared straight ahead. 

Click,

Click,

Click.

“If that wheel falls off,” she said, “I’m leaving you beside it. 

Perrin looked over from where he walked alongside the old horse. “Me?” 

“Yes.” Tessa said shortly. 

Perrin was quiet for less than a minute. “I didn’t build the wagon.” 

“You chose the road.” Tessa accused. 

“There was one road…” Perrin argued. 

“Then you chose poorly.” Tessa felt like she would argue that the sky was green if she had to. Perrin stared at her for a moment before looking back towards the road. 

Click, 

Click, 

Click.

Tessa closed her eyes. The wagon lurched into a rut. Her teeth snapped together. From somewhere behind them came a delighted squeal. “Again!” Tessa twisted around. Nella was sitting atop a crate with both hands gripping the side of the wagon, grinning as though their family hadn’t lost nearly everything they owned four days ago.

“No,” Mam said wearily. Nella’s smile disappeared. 

“Again.” Tomas whispered. Mam slapped the back of his head. 

Tessa turned forward before either of them saw her smile. The road stretched ahead of them, dusty and narrow, disappearing between rolling hills that seemed determined to hide whatever came next. Korvethis had vanished behind them two days ago. Tessa hadn’t looked back when it did. She had wanted to, but she refused herself that sadness. 

“How much farther?” Tomas asked. 

Perrin groaned. “Until where?” 

Tomas shrugged. “Wherever we’re going?” 

“Helpful.” Perrin sighed. 

“Wait, do we know where we’re going?” Nellas asked. 

“No.” Mam sighed. 

“Yes.” Perrin said at the same time. Mam looked at him. Perrin reconsidered. “No.” 

Nella nodded as though this made perfect sense. Tessa reached beneath the collar of her dress and found the little brass pendant there. Her thumb moved over its work surface. 

Father would’ve hated the wagon. He would have stopped them before the city gates and told them the rear axel needed replacing. He would have checked the old mare’s hooves. He would have moved the heavier crates forward and tied everything down again because Perrin had done it wrong. Then he would have climbed onto the bench beside Mam and somehow made all of this feel like they were going somewhere instead of being sent away. Tessa swallowed.

“Stop doing that.” Perrin said watching her. 

“Doing what?” Tessa asked. 

“That.” Perrin nudged his chin at the pendant. 

Tessa realized she was rubbing it again, the images already lighter than they once were. She dropped it. “Walk faster.” 

Perrin sighed. They continued in silence for nearly a minute. “You can hate me.” 

Tessa looked at him. “What?” 

Perrin kept his eyes on the road. “You can hate me.” 

“I heard you.” Tessa told him. 

“Then why did you ask what?” Perrin’s eyes flickered. 

“Because it was stupid.” Tessa looked forward again. 

Perrin’s jaw tightened. 

Click,

Click, 

Click.

“You lost your job.” Tessa told him. 

“Because I took him out.” Perrin said. 

Tessa nodded. “Yes.” 

Perrin kept talking. “We lost the house.” 

Tessa laughed. “It wasn’t ours to begin with.” 

“Mam lost her work.” Perrin brought up. 

“She hated that woman.” Tessa scoffed. 

“Tessa.” Perrin groaned. 

“I lost mine too.” Tessa said bluntly. Perrin finally stopped walking. The wagon continued several feet before Mam shouted for Tessa to stop the horse. Tessa pulled lightly on the reins. 

“What are you doing?” Mam called to her oldest son. 

“Apparenly Perrin had decided walking wasn’t miserable enough.” Tessa joked. 

Perrin didn’t laugh. That made Tessa look at him properly. He looked terrible. Not the sort of terrible he’d looked after drinking too much at the Lion’s Head. Not tired. Not angry. He looked…broken. Tessa’s irritation softened despite herself. 

Perrin rubbed both hands over his face. “I knew.” No one answered him. “He told me he wanted to come. I told him no.” Perrin swallowed. “I knew what would happen if someone found out.” 

Tessa looked toward the others. Mam was pretending not to listen. Tomas wasn’t even pretending. Nella was pulling loose threads from the blanket beneath her. 

Perrin continued more quietly. “And then I took him anyway.” He looked up at his sister. “You can hate me.” 

Tessa let out a long breath. “I don’t hate you.” 

“You should.” Perrin snapped. 

She raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

Perrin almost smiled…almost. Then he looked down at the dirt. “Do you hate him?” 

That was harder. Tessa’s fingers tightened around the reins. Four days ago, she’d known a boy named Orther. Strange, funny and soft-handed. He’d lost at cards, lost at arm wrestling and drank ale like someone had poisoned him and then insisted he liked it. 

He also listened when she talked about horses, really listened. Nobody did that, at least not like he did. He’d looked at her as though her ridiculous little dream wasn’t ridiculous at all. Then he’d kissed her. 

No…she’d kissed him. That mattered. Tessa looked at Perrin. “No.” His eyebrows rose. “I don’t hate him either.” 

“Tessa…” Perrin started to argue. 

“I didn’t say I wasn’t angry.” 

“You should be.” 

Tessa sighed. “There you go again.” 

“He lied to you.” Perrin told her. 

“He didn’t lie…” Tessa said quietly. Perrin gave her a look. Tessa sighed. “Fine. He lied without actually saying anything, which somehow feels more annoying.” 

“He knew you didn’t know.” Perrin told her. 

Tessa found it easier to keep her eyes closed. “I know.” 

“He knew what could happen.” 

“I know, Perrin!” Tessa shouted. 

Perrin took a breath. “And you still don’t hate him?” 

Tessa opened her eyes and looked ahead. For one stupid moment, she could see him sitting across from her again. I like hearing you talk about something you love. She had thought about that sentence far more than she wanted to admit. “I don’t know what I feel.” 

Perrin was quiet for maybe a minute this time. “Would you have done it?” Tessa looked at him with a serious frown. Perrin immediately looked uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t have asked that.” 

“No.” Tessa said. 

“I don’t want to know.” Perrin shook his head. 

“You just asked.” Tessa told him. 

Perrin kept shaking his head. “I’ve changed my mind.” 

“Bit late.” Tessa teased. 

“Tessa!” Perrin growled. 

She almost smiled…almost. Then she thought about it. If he’d told her at the table…I’m Prince Orther. Would she have laughed? Probably. If he’d proved it somehow? Would she still have taken his drink? Would she have teased him about his hands? Would she have told him about Father? Would she have kissed him? Would she have taken him upstairs? The answer should have been obvious, but it wasn’t. “I don’t know.” Perrin looked at her. Tessa shrugged, though something inside her hurt when she did. “I don’t know what I would’ve done.” That was the worst part. She would never know. 

Perrin nodded slowly. “All right.” 

Tessa nudged the reins and the mare started forward again. Perrin fell into step beside her. 

Click, 

Click, 

Click.

They hadn’t gone another mile before Nella climbed over the crates and wedged herself between Tessa and the side of the wagon. Mam shouted at her to sit down. Nella ignored her. “Tessa?” 

“No.” Tessa told her. 

“I didn’t ask anything!” Nella stammered. 

Tessa eyed her. “You were going to.”

Nella left her mouth open. “How do you know?” 

“You have a face.” Tessa bluntly said. 

Nella considered that. “So do you.” Perrin laughed, Tessa glared at him. Nella leaned against her sister’s arm. “Is Prince Orther going to come find us?” Perrin stopped laughing; Tessa went still. Even the damned clicking seemed louder. 

“No.” Mam answered from behind them. 

Nella turned around. “How do you know?” 

“Because he isn’t.” Man said plainly. 

“But…he knows us.” Nella’s voice started to get blocky. 

“He don’t know us.” Mam told her. 

Nella was quiet with a quiver on her lip. “He knows Tessa.” Tessa closed her eyes. 

“Nella.” Mam snapped. 

“He does!” Nella shouted. 

“Nella!” Mam shouted back. 

“He kissed her.” Nella told her. Perrin choked. Mam made a noise Tessa had never heard from another human being. Tomas burst into laughter. 

Tessa whipped around. “How do you know what?” Nella shrugged. “How?” 

Nella bit her lip, realizing she had said too much. “I saw.” 

Tessa’s look grew very serious again. “When?” 

“At the tavern.” Nella told them. 

“You were asleep!” Tessa hissed. 

Nella shrugged. “I woke up…” 

Perrin was laughing so hard now he had to hold onto the wagon. Tessa considered pushing him beneath it. Mam pointed at Nella. “You are never going into that tavern again.” 

“We’re never going into that tavern again.” Tomas told them. Silence fell. His smile disappeared. Nobody said anything for several minutes. 

Then Nella looked back at Tessa. “I liked him.” Tessa stared down at her little sister and gave a slight smile. Of course she did. She liked everyone. Nella knew nothing about princes or royal heirs or reputations. She didn’t know why a boy having one name instead of another could cost an entire family their home. She knew he’d smiled at her and that was enough. “He was nice.”

Tessa looked back toward the road and felt her throat tightened. “Yeah.” Perrin glanced at her. Tessa didn’t look at him. “He was.” 

They stopped near dusk. Perrin found water. Tomas gathered sticks. Mam complained about the ground, the road, the weather, the wagon and Perrin, though not necessarily in that order. 

Tessa tended the mare. The old girl was exhausted. “Sorry.” she murmured, running a hand along the horse’s shoulder. She knew she should be grateful the Crown gave them anything as they banished them, but this was a hard job for such an old horse. The mare flicked an ear. Tessa crouched and ran her hand down one foreleg. Warm. A little swelling around the fetlock. Not enough to lame her yet. Enough to worry Tessa, though. She pressed carefully with her thumb. The mare shifted. 

“I know.” 

Tessa glanced back. “What?” 

Perrin stood behind her carrying an armful of wood. “I wasn’t talking to you.” 

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Comforting.” 

“She’s sore.” Perrin dropped the wood. “Where?” Tessa showed him. He crouched beside her. “Shit.” 

“Not bad yet.” Tessa said sadly. 

“Can she keep going?” Perrin asked. 

Tessa sighed. “Tomorrow…slowly.” 

“And after?” Tessa shrugged. Perrin stared at the horse. “We don’t have money for another.” 

“I know.” 

“We could sell,” 

“No.” Tessa snapped. 

“I didn’t even say what.” Perrin said defensively. 

“You were going to say Father’s saddle.” Perrin looked offended. “You have a face too. 

He sighed. Tessa stood and immediately regretted it. Her stomach rolled. She pressed a hand against the mare. “You all right?” Perrin asked. 

“Fine.” Tessa swallowed hard. The smell of whatever Man had put over the fire drifted toward them. Usually she would have been starving. Instead the greasy smell hit the back of her throat so violently she turned away. 

Perrin frowned as he stood. “You look pale.” 

“I’ve spent four days being shaken around in a wagon held together by spite.” Tessa argued. 

“You want some food?” Perrin asked. 

“No.” 

Perrin’s brows furrowed. “You always want food.” 

Tessa shook her head. “Not that.” 

Perrin snigged the air. “It’s rabbit.” 

“Then tell the rabbit I’m sorry.” Tessa spat. She walked several steps away and breathed through her mouth until her stomach settled. Perrin watched her. “What?”

“Nothing.” Perrin shrugged. 

“Good.” 

Perrin went back toward the fire, Tessa remained beside the mare. She rested her forehead against the horse’d neck. Probably the road. Probably the heat. Probably Mam’s cooking. “Tessa!” She looked toward the fire. Mam was holding a bowl. 

Tessa grimaced. “No.” 

“You need to eat.” Mam ordered. 

“I’d rather die.” Tessa groaned. 

Mam looked at her annoyingly. “That can be arranged.” 

Tessa smiled despite herself. There, normal, for a half a second, everything felt normal. 

They sat around the fire after dark with a map borrowed from a farmer that afternoon. It was terrible. Tessa had seen tavern napkins with more accurate drawings. Mam flattened it against a crate. “We can go west.” 

“What’s west?” Tomas asked. 

“You’re aunt.” Mam told him. Mam’s sister. Tess vaguely remembered her. A think woman who smelled like onions and disapproved of everything. 

“Absoutely not.” Perrin said. Mam glared at him. 

“Wonderful.” Tessa added. “Something we agree on.”

Mam huffed. “We need somewhere to go.” 

“Not there.” Perring and Tessa said in unison. 

“Then where?” Mam asked. Nobody answered. The fire cracked. Nella had fallen asleep against Tomas, who looked deeply offended by the arrangement, but hadn't moved her. 

Perrin studied the map. “There are towns east.” 

“Doing what?” Mam asked. “Begging?” 

“I can find stable work.” Perrin said quietly. 

Mam laughed bitterly. “With what recommendation?” Perrin went quiet. 

Tessa watched the fire. Her hand found Father’s pendant again. If nobody cared that you were a woman. If you could do whatever you wanted with horses. What would you do? She hated that his voice still came so easily. She hated that she remembered his face when she’d told him. Not laughing, just listening. Mountain horses. 

Tessa looked at the map. North. Her eyes followed the road. There were mountains drawn near the edge of the parchment, badly. Little black triangles piled together like teeth. She leaned forward. “What’s there?” 

Perrin followed her finger. “North?” 

“No, Perrin. The ocean beneath it.” Tessa joked. He shoved her shoulder. 

Mam looked at the map. “Nothing.” 

“There’s something.” Tessa argued. 

“Villiages, perhaps.” Mam shrugged. 

“What villages?” Tessa asked. 

“I don’t know.” Mam admitted. 

Tessa looked at Perrin. He knew that look. “No.” 

“I haven’t said anything.” Tessa said innocently. 

“I know.” Perrin groaned, Tessa’s eyebrows rose. “There are horse breeders north of the ridge.” 

Mam looked between them. “How do you know that?” 

Perrin hesitated, Tessa did not. “Father told me.” That quieted everyone. She traced the road with one finger. “There are smaller breeds up there. Mountain stock. They don’t need as much feed. Better feet. Better lungs. Some of them can climb trails a warhorse wouldn’t even attempt.” Mam stared at her. Tessa continued. “They’ll need workers.” 

‘Tessa…” Mam began. 

“I know horses.” 

“You’re a girl.”

Tessa laughed once. There it was, again. The royal stablemaster had said it. Men at the tavern had said it. Women who’d watched her ride had said it. Mam had said it. A prince hadn’t. 

Tessa stared at the mountains. “Good thing they aren’t.” Perrin snorted, Man glared at him. Tessa leaned closer to the map. “We need somewhere to go.” 

Mam’s expression softened, though only slightly. “North is cold.” 

“We own blankets.” 

Mam took a moment before she began again. “Those mountains are dangerous.” 

“So is Aunt Mara.” Tomas nodded solemnly. Mam slapped his leg. “Ow!” 

Perrin was smiling now. Not much, but enough. He looked down at the map. “If we go north, we won’t reach the ridge before winter.” 

“Then we’d better stop talking about it.” Tessa said. 

Mam looked at each of her children. Nella was asleep against Tomas. Perrin had worry etched all over his face. Tessa never looked so determined. Finally, she sighed. “I hate all of you.” 

Tessa smiled. “We know.” 

Mam stabbed her finger against the northern road. “Fine.” 

Something in Tessa’s chest loosened. Not happiness, not yet, but something. 

The next morning, Tessa took the reins. The road split shortly after sunrise. West. East. North. The sign pointing north leaned drunkenly in the dirt, half its lettering worn away by rain and years. Perrin walked beside the mare. Mam sat behind them. Tomas and Nella argued over the last apple. Tessa stared at the northern road. For just a moment, she thought of Korvethis. The Lion’s Head. A boy with soft hands. A prince. She wondered whether he thought about her. She wondered whether he regretted her. She wondered if she regretted him. Tessa still didn’t know. Maybe someday she would. 

Her fingers closed around Father’s pendant, then she looked toward the mountains. Somewhere beyond them were horses she had never seen. Stables where nobody knew her name. People who had never told her what she couldn’t do. Maybe they would tell her too. Fine. She’d heard it before.

Tessa pulled gently on the left rein. The mare turned north. Behind her, the wagon groaned. The wheel clicked. Perrin swore. Nella laughed. And Tessa smiled. For the first time since Korvethis disappeared behind them, she wasn’t thinking about where she’d been sent away from. She was thinking about where she was going.