A Season of Both.

Lately it has felt like life has been standing at my front door with a new challenge every week. A death. A job loss. Uncertainty. Another unexpected expense. Another conversation that leaves me wondering what comes next. Some days I find myself looking around and asking a question I never thought I’d ask…Who exactly did we offend? Because honestly, it had felt like we’ve been taking hit after hit. 

The other day I started thinking about all the things that are happening at the same time. Not the scary things, the good things. The things I could easily miss if I wasn’t paying attention. 

We’re healthy: That alone is worth more than I give it credit for. 

We live in a little town that makes me smile every time I drive through it. After years of feeling unsettled, there is something about these mountains and this community that feels like breathing out after holding my breath for too long. 

My oldest daughter worked incredibly hard and made her own dream come true. She earned a spot on gymnastics team, not because someone handed it to her, but because she put in the work. And finally, after years of trying out every activity and sport I could get my hands onto, I can confidently let her get onto team knowing she has a true passion for it. I had a dream at one point that my kids would be in some sort of martial art for protection, swimming for safety and a sport they're passionate about, and here my eldest is, doing just that. It’s truly been a manifestation years in the making.  

My youngest daughter finished her school year, even with all the changes we’ve gone through, and somehow we managed to get the last opening in the school I had been hoping for here in town. Her speech has improved so much in the last year and while we are still doing therapy, the improvement is to be celebrated as well. 

My husband is kind. I know that sounds simple, but it isn’t. He is carrying a lot right now and still finding ways to show up for us. He’s discovered that taking care of himself helps his mood, and he’s been stepping in more with the girls so I can focus on finishing my book.

Which leads me into my next excitement. After years of talking about it, I am only a couple months away from finishing an actual book and self publishing it. I was able to finally get my website set up and it is incredible how much love and work I have put into it. 

Our home has become the kind of place kids want to be. There always seems to be someone visiting, someone staying over, someone who feels comfortable here. There is no award for becoming a safe place, but it might be one of the accomplishments I’m most proud of. 

My quail finally live outside. They’re happier. 

I have chickens…actual chickens! If you had told younger me that I would one day be excited about chickens, I would have laughed in your face!

I’ve found a homeschool program that feels promising. 

I’ve taken a hard look at some friendships and made difficult decisions. I’ve surrounded myself with people who are kind, generous, supportive, and good. 

When we needed help, family stepped in. I don’t particularly enjoy needing help, but I am learning that accepting help is sometimes its own kind of gift. 

I’ve also stopped fighting the role I’ve chosen. I am a homeschool mom. I keep trying to convince myself I should somehow be doing more, producing more, earning more, accomplishing more. But the truth is that what I’m doing right now is hard work. Important work. Life-giving work. And maybe the reason I’m exhausted isn’t because I’m failing. Maybe it’s because I’m already carrying a full load. 

A few weekends ago I attended the funeral of a friend’s father. The next day I attended a birthday party. One day I was standing beside people saying goodbye to someone they loved. The next I was celebrating another year of life with people I care about. 

It occurred to me that this is what life actually is. Not endless happiness, not endless tragedy, but somehow a mix of both at the same time. I get to show up for people in their hardest moments. I get to show up for people in their happiest moments. What an incredible privilege that is. 

So maybe the answer isn’t pretending everything is fine. Maybe the answer is remembering that the good things deserve our attention too. Because if I spend all my time counting the losses, I will miss the blessings that are quietly growing around them; and right now, despite all the uncertainty, there are a lot of blessings growing. Enough that I can see them from where I’m standing. Enough that I can choose to notice them. Enough that I can believe that this season isn’t defined by what we’ve lost, it’s also defined by what we’re building.